


Marry me!

by Read_all_the_books



Category: Supernatural, destiel - Fandom
Genre: Gayloveisyaylove, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-25
Updated: 2015-11-08
Packaged: 2018-02-06 06:00:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1847041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Read_all_the_books/pseuds/Read_all_the_books
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Like it says, a proposal. Apologies, for the short summary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Marry me!

Cas' P.O.V

I can't believe my ears.

" I'm sorry, Mr. Novak. But your results were positive." Dr. Watson replies grimly. I nodded before deciding to be strong, I smiled up at him before standing to shake his hand.

"I'll call you for your next appointment" the doctor finished, smiling sadly back at me. I nodded and left the office sullenly. My mind weighed down by the news, on how Dean would take it.

This was just all too much. Too early. I was just so happy, so of course this had to happen. I decided that I would talk to Sam first.

Dean's P.O.V

I smiled when I heard Cas walk into my room, well our room now.

I was still nervous. So I was bouncing my leg up and down, waiting for Cas to sit down. I was too preoccupied to even realize that Cas looked somewhat upset, we'll more disappointed.

My smile fell and I gripped his hand as he sat beside me. "What's up?" I asked hesitantly, not sure if I did something wrong. Cad smiled at me belatedly as he leaned his forehead against my shoulder, and I could feel him shaking.

My eyebrows creased and I wrapped my arm around his shoulder, alarm bells ringing in my head. "Cas?" I asked softly. He took a shaky breath before saying, "I'm just tired." he sighed moving to lay against the pillows.

I chuckled and pulled him back up into a sitting position. " No we're going out with Sam and Gabriel, so go and get changed." He groaned once again sighing sadly. "Dean, if I just lay here, would you lay with me and just forget the world?" he asked looking over at me, and I could of sworn there were tears in his eyes.

"Seriously Cas, are you okay. You're scaring me" I answered placing a hand on his cheek. He choked back, what I assumed to be, a sob. My eyes widened and I crawled onto the bed and closer to his head.

"Hey what's wrong?" he sat up in front of me, leaning his forehead against mine. "I love you" he murmured and pressed his lips to my nose.

I wrapped my arms around his chest. He was still shaking. This felt wrong, there was something wrong and I hated not knowing. "Where have you been?" I asked softly, pulling away so I could see his eyes clearly. He stood up, and grabbed his clothes.

"Friends house" he said, I narrowed my eyes as he shuffled his feet left to right. "Are you sure?" He looked down and nodded before walking to the bathroom.

~

If I was nervous before, than I'm a mess now. My mind was making up excuses for me to do this at a later date, as it did whenever I had to do anything that would make a big change in my life.

"Dude, are you okay?" Sam asked, chuckling to himself. I smirked "Yeah Sammy, of course I am." I looked around making sure Cas wasn't around. I felt like I was gonna puke any second now. My heart felt like it was gonna leap out of my chest. "Do you know what's up with Cas?" I whispered, leaning over the table to whisper in his ear.

Sam cocked an eyebrow, "No why, are you two okay?" he asked I nodded and huffed out a sigh. "Yeah, but he's been acting weird. Last night I asked where he was and he kept telling me he was at a friends house." I finished. Sam rolled his eyes "yeah so?" Sam pressed, I groaned "He shuffled his feet" I said like that was explanation enough, but Dam understood.  
Everyone knows Castiel was a terrible liar. He would always shuffle his feet, look away all chuckle a little. So when Cas finally arrived at the table and Sam asked if he was okay, Dean could tell Cas was lying when he responded with a nervous chuckle and a "I'm fine thanks Sam, and yourself." I was about to confront him when Gabriel made himself known with a "Howdy bitches." grinned at Cas and pecked Sam on his cheek.

I rolled my eyes "You've been spending too much time with Charlie." I laughed.

Cas' P. O.V

What Dr.Watson had said, despite it being yestreday, was still bouncing around my head. Cancer. It had to be cancer. I felt so bad about lying to Dean. But he would freak out, I hadn't had a chance to talk to Sam. 

I was wavering between two choices. Leave Dean and save him the heartache of a dead boyfriend. Or be selfish enough to keep him, and right now I was favoring the first choice. The problem is Dean, being Dean, makes this hard.

He was everything that was right in the world, and I was about to place the biggest burden on his shoulders. I finally made it to the table, Dean was leaning across it, whispering something in Sam's ear.

I placed a hand on Dean's shoulder and he smiled up at me. I felt so guilty, I was about to ruin that smile. " How are you Cas?" Sam asked as I sat down. I looked down at the table as I answered " I'm fine thanks Sam, and yourself." and I instantly knew Dean knew I was lying.

Dean frowned at me but laced his fingers through mine anyway. I leant over to press my lips against his cheek softly, "Hello Dean" I smiled and nudged his knee with mine.

"Howdy bitches" We heard Gabriel greet and I couldn't help but feel even worse. As I my head put another name on the list of people I would be hurting with my death. This was all so unfair. I had so much more to give and it kind of made me angry that I had no choice in the matter. Gabriel, the brother I had raise myself would be brotherless. 

Halfway through the dinner Dean squeezed my hand, "I kind of have an announcement to make" he grinned at me. The whole restaurant went quiet as Dean slipped to one knee in front of me. Tears instantly pricked at my eyes as he gripped one of my hands in his. This could not be happening.

I had wanted this throughout our whole relationship, ever since I met Dean all I wanted was to claim him as my own. Oh god I can't do this to him. "Castiel I love you and have loved you ever since you raised me from hell. I can't believe that you're mine, and I love that you were able to put up with my sorry as when i didn't have the eyes to see what I needed was you. When i lay in bed at night all I can think about are your eyes, which are the bluest blue to ever blue," Dean chuckles , Sam gaping at the ordeal. "When I say I need you, it's different then how I mean it with Sam. Because you're family but you're also the other half of me, without you I would be nothing so please Cas I need you to marry me?" Dean smiled and the tears finally fell down my cheeks as he went to push the ring on my finger.

Gabriel laughed as he nudged me. They all stopped when I stopped Dean from pushing it further into my finger. I gripped his hand firmly, shaking slightly. "No" I whispered. Dean's eyes widened, as he stiffened with shock. Sam's mouth fell open and Gabe kicked him under the table. "W-what?" Dean sputtered. I sunk further into my chair " I'm sorry, I just can't Dean" I said pulling my hand away and pushing away from my chair.

"Cas, wait" Dean called after me, as I pushed my way hastily put of the restaurant, which had gotten quite busy. I just made it around the restaurant when Dean caught up with me, grabbing my arm and spinning me around "Cas please" he pleaded pulling me into the alley, by the restaurant.

I couldn't do this, not now, not to Dean. I pulled my arm away. "Just don't Dean" I said softly looking back at the ground. "Just please Cas, why" he asked, and he looked heartbroken, and I did that, I have t get out before I break him. 

I bit my lip. "I just don't think this'll work Dean." I reply unconvincingly. Dean didn't look like he believed it either as he took another step towards me. I shook my head and stepped back. " Don't Dean, I can't" and my voice betrayed me as it shook. "Castiel I know you love me, so why are you doing this, to prove a point. Because if so, I don't get it and it's a nasty joke." Dean growled stepping towards me again, and this time when I moved back I hit the wall. "This isn't a joke, this just wouldn't go anywhere good. I have issues Dean. Please understand, I'm wrong for you" Dean huffed in frustration. "Cas that's cap and you know it, you're lying. If I've done something wrong just tell me dammit." Dean said.

I just looked down at his hands, that were gripping my wrists again. "What happened yesterday?" He asked. My head shot up, "Nothing Dean" I answered a little too quickly. "Where did you go?" he repeated and I could tell he was getting angrier by the minute as he jumped to his own conclusions. "Who were you with?" he growled. He looked up at me, a new type of fire in his eyes.

"No one Dean, I was with Charlie" I lied. Dean shook his head, "No she was at school" he said angrily Oh Shit! I thought at myself. "just tell me Cas, because I can't take the lies." he said bluntly, placing his hands on my cheeks to force to keep looking at him. Instead of answering him I leant forward and pressed my forehead against his shoulder as I started to shake, a cough raking my body. "Please Cas we can fix this." Dean whispered his arms wrapping themselves around my waist comfortably.

"it's not broken Dean" I answered I pulled away to find blood on his shirt. I cried out in panic. "Cas?" he asked looking down at me " I was at the doctors." I whispered, wiping at the stain mournfully. That stain, the stain the presented me. I'm a stain on Dean's life at the moment, I need to fix it.

Dean glanced at his shoulder, and looked at me anxiously. " and?" he asked, my breathing hitched, "I've got lung cancer" I whispered. He staggered back. "No" he said shell shocked. I nodded, I knew this would happen. I have to leave now. Right now Cas, leave now. But no matter how much I tried to force my legs in the other direction, I kept going for Dean. My arms reaching out for him. He looked devastated.

"I'm sorry" I cried, tears freely falling down my face as I hugged his middle.

Dean's P.O.V

No. No. No.

That's all I can think. No. My head shut down. Cas has cancer. Cancer. Why. zany does Castiel have cancer? My Cas.

I couldn't help the tears that fell down my face. As my body forced myself into action. I clutched him tighter in my arms, nosing his hair. Just taking in the perfection that is Cas. That was selfish of me. Cas is the one who...who...no I can't say it. I can't think it, because he isn't going to die, not on my watch.

"You'll be fine." I chanted swaying us back and forth. " You won't die. I won't let you."


	2. Not my Dean.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just an idea, a bad one I admit, but an idea all the same.

Cas' P.O.V

I can’t believe this.

I should of stopped him, from hurting himself but he was my key out of here, to Dean. Gadreel freed as and as soon as I was free, my plan was to confront Metatron....until I heard Sam scream.

This scream was different, this wasn’t the usual run of the mill caught of guard Sam WInchester scream, no this was the scream that was reserved for a diminished Dean.

I fell to my knees as I realized what I’ve just done...again. The doors to heaven were closed, there was no way I was getting down there...unless I fell, and I realize that, that was something I was completely willing to do, even after everything I had to do to get my grace back.

My grace the only thing keeping me from my adopted brother, and my rock, because that’s what Dean is. I closed my eyes, and as I gripped my grace I thought about everything that I was sacrificing just to get down to Dean, to Sam and Kevin.

I thought about how hard I had to fight to fix everything, to repent, to earn my salvation, but then I remembered how hard Dean had fought to fight by my side. How hard he fought to keep me and Sam straight and by his side, to be a team. 

In that moment I knew that I didn’t have a choice I owed Dean and I couldn’t leave him no matter how much I needed to stay and fix heaven, the urgency to be with Dean pounded through my entire being and before I knew I was ripping my grace from my chest. 

Sam's P.O.V

“NO” I found myself screaming. 

Falling to my hands and knees when the blade passed through Dean’s abdomen, “I’m sorry Sammy” he breathed, a cracked smile pulling weakly at his lips.   
“Dean, no hey, hey come on don’t” I begged tears falling on Dean’s cheeks as I pulled him into my lap. 

“What about Kevin he needs you I need you. Remember you were going to tell Cas you loved him” I sobbed pulling him up when he started slipping from my grip, the blood pooling around my knees.

He smiled softly reaching up to place a bloody hand on my cheek “I did it for him, for us” he muttered his voice breaking on the last note. His eyes started drooping “Dean please, I’m sorry I am so sorry, I didn't mean what I said. We’re family, you’re my brother and I need you.” “Tuesday’s a good day to die” he chuckled, before his eyes fell closed. 

I completely froze, blood soaking through my red tinted jeans, Dean going cold in my grip, my eyes blearing with unshed tears. My breathing was coarse as I tried to process life without Dean, tried to understand what I was meant to do, “Sam?” I startled at the sound of Cas’ voice. 

What am I going to tell him, the love of Castiel’s life was lying dead in my arms and this was what he was going to walk in on.

“In here Cas” I called my voice still shaking as I gripped Dean’s shoulders tighter. 

“Dean...what?” he broke off when he spotted Dean strewn across my lap, my knees blood soaked and my arms wound around his shoulder blades.

I heard him suck in a ragged breathe as he took a couple of wobbly steps in our direction before falling to his knees by our side, closest to Dean’s head. I was getting worried he was shaking and there were shuddering breaths falling from his lips.

He went to reach forward, assuming he wanted to stroke his cheek before he let it fall limply to the ground. He just stared, for close to five minutes, I think he was waiting for Dean to wake up and stare back at him, one last time.   
“Cas-“ “Don’t Sam” he cut me off. “Look” his eyes flickered up to me a new type of grief in them “Sam I said don’t, this is all my fault, I was too late, I’m always too late.” he fell forward until his forehead met Dean’s, with a soft thud. He seemed to get, what looked to be angry as he looked back up to me. 

“Where’s Crowley?” He growled, getting to his feet. “Basement, what are you doing?’ I asked cautiously. This wasn’t like Cas, he was always so composed. But right now, with Dean laying limply in my arms he looked volatile, anything but the reserved being he always was. He took one last glance at Dean before storming off for the basement.

~

“Bring him back” I demanded as I crashed into the basement, startling Crowley enough to make him jump.

It didn't help matters none when he still hated me, but I don’t have time for that, the fire inside me was going to consume me soon, so I slammed my hands down onto the table in front of Crowley when he didn't answer me. “So squirrel actually killed himself.” he smirked up at me, and I growled as the fire burned through my compose, through my patience and I kicked the table away. “Stop the games Crowley, I don’t have the liberty of time and my patience is wearing thin” I snarled, pulling him up by his collar.

Our faces centimeters apart, and the rage was rolling off of me and I could practically smell his fear.

I was still weak from the fall, but I had to be strong, for Dean for me and Sam. “Take me to him” he whispered I shook my head “No you aren't going any where near him, tell me how to fix him” Crowley sighed, sensing that I was in no mood to be argued with, maybe because I had him pinned against the wall and my foot was tapping impatiently.

“Ok, but first calm down and tell me how it went down.” I looked to the floor only just realizing how Dean managed to be impaled by the first blade but only saw it protruding from his abdomen.  
“He was stabbed with the first blade.” Crowley rolled his eyes “Yeah thanks Priscilla I figured, but how did he managed to get stabbed?” he repeated. “It’s like you said, he did it” Crowley smirked “Pretty boys not thinking, Remember what Cain said he tried to kill himself too, but it didn’t work. Take me to him” he said again and my resolve wavered, my hands loosening their hold on his collar.

I huffed in defeat and let him go, fixing him with a warning glare before releasing him from the cuffs. “Go” I growled pushing him roughly in the direction of the door. “Alright, alright calm down feathers” Crowley retorted nearly stumbling over the door jam. 

“Sam, I brought Crowley he said he knew how to fix Dean” Sam looked up from where he was now squatting beside Dean, his hands steepled under his chin.

“What do you mean, Cas you can’t fix this, not this time” Sam said sounding like he was trying to reason me into not trying to save my Dean. Crowley strolled over to Dean’s side “You see, Moose. Dean killed himself, and the first blade can’t kill the one with the mark. Dean was only trying to do what he thought was right, because he could feel it coming.” Crowley explained leaning down beside Dean, rolled his eyes and got back up “Open your eyes Dean” Crowley said in a rather bored voice.

I could feel my breathing hitch nervously.

This couldn't be happening.

Sam furrowed his eyes down at Dean and jumped back when he twitched, “Dean?” He asked hopefully. I was already shaking my head in desbelief when Dean’s eyes fluttered open, I staggered back hitting the door frame as a choked sob ripped through my throat, because nothing was going to be ok again, nothing was going to be the same. 

That wasn’t my Dean, my rock.

“No, no, no, no.” Sam chanted as Dean sat up fixing his pitch black eyes on me smirking maliciously. 

That was a demon, the wrong altered Dean.


	3. I've got you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas makes it clear that he has Dean's back.

Dean’s P.O.V

I’ve never been this scared in my life. Never, but at the moment I was nearly shaking in my boots.

As Sam pushed me forward, I could literaly feel my heart in my throat, trying to force it’s way out of my chest. “Dean” Cas said smiling up at me softly. There was my saving grace, everything was okay with Cas around. Lately, between me and Cas it had all been longing stares and stolen kisses behind Sam’s back. Sure I felt guilty about lying to Sam, but I couldn’t deal with this at the moment, besides the adrenalin of the possibilty of getting caught was kind of awesome.

Sam rolled his eyes at Dean’s dramatics, “Dean, really it’s not that bad, you have more possibilty of dying on the road than in a plane” Sam said laughing. “Says the guy scared of dudes with make up” I smirked up at the moose.  
Sam pouted defensively, “Hey they actually pose a threat, they are creepy pedophiles.” Sam said. “Yeah, and planes can only crash.” Sam chuckled and boarded the metal death trap that they had passed off as a plane, I took a deep breathe and stepped on. I was already shaking, and I relaxed as I felt the sublte pat of Cas tapping my shoulder, attempting to comfort me. 

Sam groaned loudly, “Dude one of us has to sit on the other side of the plane and I can’t put up with your theatrics.” Sam said grinning wickedly at Cas. Cas groaned and went to pull Dean towards the front of the plane. Cas pushed me into the seat, looking over at Sam before he leant over and pressed his lips to my forehead. He sat down beside me, I smiled gratefully at him before clutching his hand tightly. I was grateful for the privacy, that had come with Sam getting his own seat. 

I gasped in panic as the plane started taxing, huffing out in distress. Cas stroked his thumb over my hand, leaning over in his seat. “Shh, Dean it’s okay” he whispered into my ear. I screwed my eyes shut, thinking that if I couldn’t see through the window that I could’ve of somehow convinced myself that I wasn't in an aeroplane, that I was in a room, alone, with Cas. Cas kept rubbing soothing circles into my hand and I seemed to forget about Sam.  
The plane hit turbulence and I let out another panicked cry, practically jumping into the startled ex-angels lap. 

The people behind us looked at me oddly, as I clenched my arms around Cas’ neck, burying my face against his cheek, as I shook. “Dean, please try to calm down people are watching you” Cas said softly, wrapping his arms around my waist. “S-sorry, C-C-Cas” I stuttered. “I just don’t trust planes, of all the ways we could be traveling it had to be this way” I groaned as he tightened his arms around me, I was still in his lap, my arms around his neck, breathing on his cheek. “It’s okay Dean I've got you, do you remember when I fell?” He asked softly.

I nodded, “Do you remember what you said to me, after I had my very first nightmare, about not being able to fly anymore?” he asked pulling away to stroke my cheek. He chuckled and said “Repeat it” “I said, that No matter what you’ll always be my angel. That you don’t need wings because I’ll be your wings, I’ll hold you up when you’re about to fall. I said that no matter how you are what you do I’ll always love you, that I’ll do whatever it take to protect you from everything, even your nightmares.” I finished and he smiled as he placed a hand on my cheek. “You see Dean, you have my back, and I, in turn have yours. I’m going to be your wings now, I’m going to protect you and keep you seafe, even if that means cushioning your fall from a crashing plane, just you you cushioned mine from heaven.” he said smiling softly. I took a deep breathe, and once again buried my face back into his neck, he chuckled and kissed my forehead, tangling his hand into my hand. 

Sam’s P.O.V

Well this was weird.

I could see from here that Dean was already freaking out, but the pair had been acting weird the whole plane ride. I had noticed little things over the past month since Cas had fell and become human. Things like weird noises coming from Dean’s room, that I wished I hadn't heard, or how Cas would follow Dean around like he was the messiah. But there was more, Dean would look at Cas like he was the most important thing in his world, and he would make any excuse to touch him, like to brush past him in a doorway, brushing their arms together. I shook it off as friendship, but now looking at the two, as Dean practically jumped into Cas’ lap, his head pushing it’s way into Cas’ neck, his arms wrapping around his neck, I started to suspect something. 

Surely Dean would of said something if he was in love with the angel, right? I choked on my coffee when Cas pulled away to place a hand on Dean’s cheek, Saying something to him, and Deana relaxed instantly. Never in the thirty something years that I've known him, traveled with him had I ever been able to make him relax on a plane. But it got weirder as Cas pulled him back into the embrace, and I didn’t miss it when he planted a kiss on top of Dean’s forehead, his hand tangling in Dean’s hair. I can’t believe that they wouldn't tell me...well I guess this is Dean we’re talking about. I decided that I would give them a couple more moinths before I would ask them about it. 

Cas’ P.O.V

I woke up, still on the plane, to Dean lightly snoring into my neck.

I looked over at Sam nervously to see him glancing down at his phone. I shook Dean softly, trying to wake him up, “Dean” I whispered in his ear, he grunted and nuzzled further into my neck. I laughed, because I’d be lying if i said I wasn’t enjoying this. I shook his shoulder softly, and as the position we were in was kind of, compromising, that when he moved I whimpered when my hips jerked up.

Dean was practically sitting on my lap, one of his legs laying across my lap and his arms wrapped tightly around my torso, with his face pressed into my neck. “Dean” I groaned pushing at his shoulder softly, he opened his eyes and glanced up at me, his green eyes still sleep ridden. 

“Heya Cas” he smiled at me, kissing my neck before sitting back up and stretching, his shirt ridding up over his stomach. I couldn’t but stare at that little strip of skin, all I wanted to do was suck at it. i shook my head and looked back at Sam. “I think Sam may have noticed our position, you practically fell asleep on top of me.” I smiled at him. Just as he was about to reply, the plane bounced, causing Dean to yelp in panic, once again clenching my hand tightly.


	4. I've got you, Part 2.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean returns the promise.

We had finaly made it back to Lebanon. Back to the bunker, back to our little life with my broken family.

 It’s five in the morning.

I was in my room, trying to get sleep, but my mind seemed to want to pick up, every little sound, that echoed off of the walls off of the bunker. I tried rolling around, hoping that would calm me down, but as the sounds got louder, so did my brain.

I sighed and decided to listen to the sounds, my eyes widening when I realized that it was the sound of someone whimpering. Was I really that dense, that I hadn’t registered that someone was possibly having a nightmare.

The new human, being the obvious choice.

So I rose from my bed, and crept down the hall, following the desperate sniffling and coughing., until I found myself outside Cas’ door, light shinig out from under it.

I knocked ligthtly at the door. “Cas” I hissed under my breathe, trying not to wake Sam.

The only response I got, was a muffled snuffle, and a shuffle, and two seconds later I heard Cas mutter, So I repeated myself, “Cas, can I come in.” I asked hestantly, gripping the door knob.

The bed creaked, as I asumed Cas shifted. “I’m coming in, okay?” I warned, pushingt the door open to reveal Cas in the corner of his room, his arms wrapped around his knees, his face stained with glistening, half dry tears. He was rocking back and forth, muttering something under his breath, and his eyes finaly caught mine, and I could practically feel the pain, and the guilt roll off of him.

“Cas” I whispered, my smile falling, as I climbed over the bed, and pulled him into my arms.

Cas, as a human, weas so much different, than Cas as an angel.

He was much, frailer, more senstive to the cruelties of being a human, much an angel that went from, having so much power, to not needing anything, to needing everything, from sleep, to warmth.

To needing Dean, a whole lot more.

So when I pulled Cas into my arms, Cas violently shook, and clamped his hands tightly in my shirt, sobbing into my neck. “Shh, Cas, it’s okay I’m here” “Dean” He cried wrapping his legs around me, as I pulled him up and into the bed.

It broke his heart, to see his angel this upset, that he had to deal with all his family falling, dying, and to have to think that it was all his fault. Cas practically laid on top of Dean.

But Dean didn’t care, because he understood the pain of having the world on your shoulders, of failing everyone.

Cas nuzzeled his face into his neck as he made tired little gasping noises, from crying so hard. “It’s okay, Cas, I’ve got you.” I whispered, and he kept whispereing, sweet little nothing’s caressing Cas’ skin.

 

Cas’ P.O.V

 

I couldn’t stop it.

I wanted it to stop so bad, the pain, the guilt and the never ending nightmares; of my wings burning off.

But all he could hear was the screaming that emmited from his siblings, as they fell to their doom, lost from their salvation. As I rocked back in forth in the corner, of my newly apointed bedroom, the words swirling around my head, the words Raphael swore to kill me with, that any angel swore to me;

“ _Vengeance will be taken on him sevenfold.”_  

And before I knew it, the words had leaked their way from my mouth, making themselves known, in a harsh, sharp, sucked in breath.

I found myself sobbing, the words still hissing their way through my teeth as I rocked, clutching at my back desperatley. I stopped when I heard a light tap at the door, trying to be quieter, when I heard, “Cas”.

The guilt that came with the name was immense, and I found myself rocking harder, muttering louder as I shuffled closer to the wall, there was another knock, louder this time, and after about two seconds of a worried foot tapping from outside my door, Dean made himself known “I’m coming in Cas, okay?” and with that he pushed the door open.

I halted in my rocking, settling for burying my face in my hands, still muttering the threatening words.

“Cas” Dean whispered, probably shocked to see me so weak, so unlike what I used to be, the strong angel that was able to protect his charge. I sigh and sink deeper into my misery, pressing back into the wall, as Dean stared at me, a forlorn and sympathetic expression gracing his features.

I whimpered; and Dean made a show of jumping over my bed, and enveloping me in his arms. I fell apart, my will to look strong for Dean diminshed the moment he tucked his chin on my head.

I clamped my hands in his shirt, pulling him closer so I could press my face into his neck, wrapping my legs around his middle, “Shh, Cas, it’s okay I’m here.” “Dean” I sobbed, my tears wetting his neck, but he didn’t seem to care, all he seemed to care about at the moment was comforting me.

He smiled into my hair, and pulled me up onto the bed. I gripped his shirt tighter, practically scrambling on top of him.

And I still couldn’t stop it, the memories, and the tears that forced sobs through my throat. Dean rubbed at my back, trying to soothe me.

I was running out of breathe, so as my sobs continued, they sounded more like whimpers and loud cries more than me sobbing into his neck, nuzzeling my face into his neck, where comfort was promised.

“It’s okay, Cas, I’ve got you.” He whispered into my hair, using the same comfort word I used, to comfort him on the plane. I shook my head, his stubble rubbing against my cheek. “’tis all my fault. I-I” I broke off, as the numbness pushed at my throat.

“Cas n-“ “Dean, it’s all my fault, I made them fall, I ruined heaven, I screw everything up” I sobbed, nuzzeling closer, as my eyes widened with the revelation of my utter helplessness. Dean lifted my chin, propping himself up on his elbow, his left hand cupping my chin. “No, Cas, this wasn’t your fault. You meant well” He reassured me.

And the hope in Dean’s eyes broke me, the fact that he still had faith in me, that he still thought I was helpful, needed, was...unbearable.

I’m not what I was.

I’m broken.

I wiggled out from his grip, and sat on the edge of the bed. Letting my face fall into my hands, I was still shaking, and this whole ordeal, left me feeling weak and pathetic.

_Not like I was._

I started shaking harder, and before I knew it the words came back, forcing their way through my teeth in a harsh whisper.

_Vengeance will be taken on him sevenfold._

I could feel the bed dip behind me, and Dean’s arms wound themselves around my waist. “What was that?” He whispered in my ear, his breathe fanning across my neck.

_Vengeance will be taken on him sevenfold._

My lips started trembling, and I leaned back into Dean’s hold, shaking into his chest. “Cas, come on” Dean pleaded. I shook my head again even as the words still stung my skull.

_Vengeance will be taken on him sevenfold._

“Vengeance will be taken on him sevenfold.” and I slapped a hand over my mouth, when the words tumbled forcefully through my lips. Dean stiffened, “What does that mean?” Dean whispered. I shook my head, the words still falling through my sobs as I, once again, leant back into Dean.

“Please Cas, I can’t help you, if you won’t let me” Dean said, turning me so now I was perched in his lap, his legs resting under my thighs, and his arms resting around my waist, leaning forward so that his forehead rested against mine.

I had already thought this through a million times, by the time Dean was done talking, so I sucked in a deep breathe. “It-it, was what R-R-Raphael said to me when we started falling” I said quietly, relaxing when he placed his hand on my cheek.

Dean nodded, his forehead rubbing against mine comforting me. “Yeah, and?” he pressed gently, I dared a look up at his eyes, and I shouldn’t have, because I wasn’t prepared for what I saw, and what I saw there was utter love, and that love was for me.

I looked back down, but he pulled my face back up.

“Cas, come on, you can trust me. Because I-“ I pressed my hand over his mouth “Don’t” I whispered. He furrowed his eyebrows at me, trying to pull my hand from his lips, and I couldn’t help the little smile that pulled at my lips. He chuckled, “I knew that would get a smile from you” Dean said, his own smile pulling his lips up.

_Vengeance will be taken on him sevenfold._

I nodded and took another breathe. “It means, that I will be killed for what I’ve done to heaven, that they are hunting me now Dean, I can’t protect you anymore.” I whispered and the shame pulsed at my chest, as I gripped him tighter, scared to let go.

Dean shook his head doubtfully, “No, Castiel listen to me I love you and You didn’t do anything wrong, Metatron tricked you, you hear me, not your fault, and as far as protecting me,” he broke off to press his lips heatedly to mine. “That’s my job, I love you Cas, we can protect each other, just let me take care of you for now.” He placed a comforting hand on my hip again, and I leaned into him further, pressing my lips to his neck, “m’ tired” I mumbled. Dean laughed and pulled me down on top of him, wrapping his arms around my waist so he could pull me up closer.

My face in his neck, his face buried in my hair, and my arms, laying comfortingly around his middle, my breathing settled as I listened to his heart. Falling into a peaceful sleep.

 

Sam’s P.O.V

 

I woke to stomach grumbles, remembering that I forgot to eat dinner...again.

The research was getting intense, I just couldn’t see where and what Metatron was planning. I turned over hoping I could ignore the demanding call of food, but in the end the need proved to be too strong.

As I padded down the hall I thought about the weird behaviour Dean and Cas had been exhibiting. The way they acted on the plane, wasn’t usually how friends acted. I thought about how Dean had flew into Cas’ lap, how Cas let Dean push his face into his neck, pressed his lips to his forehead, and how Dean, the first time in forever, calmed down on a plane.

He smirked a little at how much of a soft spot Dean had obviously had for Cas and wondered on whether or not he should bring it up to Dean.

Just then, as he was passing Cas’ room, he heard Dean’s voice, soothing what sounded like a distraught Castiel.

I know I shouldn’t be prying like this, but I just want Dean to be happy, and I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t going to use this against him. I almost laughed at the thought of how many jokes I could make of this.

I’d also be lying if I said that I wasn’t suspicious, I was going to keep walking but I heard Cas break off in a broken sob, the sound of the bed creaking, and then Dean’s voice chimed in, “That’s my job, I love you Cas, we can protect each other, just let me take care of you for now.” and my mouth dropped, never in my life have I heard Dean say that to anyone, hell, he’s only said it to me a couple of times.

I smiled as I walked back to my room, food long forgotten in the hope that Dean would finaly be happy, had finaly figured out that he loved the angel.

 

Dean’s P.O.V

 

I woke up to a comfortable fluff of brown hair, tickling my nose. He smiled, happy at the thought that the angel was his, finaly something that made him happy, with his crappy, unfair life.

I wasn’t used to getting something in return, wasn’t used to feeling this content, but here they were, Cas envoloped in my arms, and a fuzzy warmth spreading across my chest. I never wanted to stay in in bed more in my whole life.

But I smelt bacon, and my stomach can’t reject bacon.

I pressed my lips to Cas’ lips, laughing when he screwed his eyes shut and tried pushing me away. “Dean, sleep” he groaned, nuzzeling back into my neck, pressing his body against mine. “No, don’t you smell that, the sweet smell o’ bacon?” I asked trying to coax him out of the bed with the promise of good food.

Cas blinked up at me tiredly, before propping himself up on an elbow, “But if we leave the bed now, I can’t hug you or kiss you until bed time or if Sam turns his back, God Dean I hate this” Cas groaned, leaning forward to press his lips to my neck, and he made me feel so guilty about it all, about keeping us from Sam, but I wasn’t ready to make that kind of leap.

Sam wouldn’t understand. At least not yet.

“I know Cas, I know, I do to, but I’m not ready for that yet I’m sorry, Cas, but I need to be sure.” I squeezed his hand before pulling him up after me. He chuckled as he fell against me, making me blush. I looked down a little embarrased but he tilted it back up, “You’re gorgous” he murmured pressing his lips to mine in a hungry kiss, pushing me against the wall, his tongue pushing it’s way into my mouth.

“CAS, DEAN, BREAKFAST” We heard Sam call, and Cas pulled away with a weary sigh, his hands still on my chest, “Just promise me, it’ll be soon” Cas said, smiling up at me.

I nodded, and leant down to press my lips quickly against his cheek, before grabbing his hand and pulling him out the door, letting it go when we were close to the kitchen.

I walked in ahead of Cas, and eyed Sam warily, who was leaning against the stove, with a smug looking grin spread across his face. I narrowed my eyes at him, “What are you so smiley about, chuckles?” I asked, sitting down beside Cas, who grabbed my hand under the table.

“Nothing Dean, is there anything you need to tell me?” Sam asked conspicuosly. Once again, I narrowed my eyes, “What is that supposed to mean, Sam?” I asked.

Cas started laughing and I whipped my head around to look at Cas, staring at him accusingly. “What the hell, Cas, who’s side are you on?” I asked huffing in frustration, “Nothing Dean, it’s just humorous.” Cas responded, squeezing my hand under the table. I smiled, squeezed back, and looked back over at Sam, who looked surprised in the least, and smiled widely at him.

“Who are you, and what have you done with my brother?” Sam grinned, I smacked him on the arm playfully. Sam seemed to adopt a rather serious expression as he sat across from me. “But seriously Dean. Are you sure there’s nothing you want to talk about?” He asked again. I sighed, clenching Cas’ hand tightly, he looked over at me, looking like he just wanted to spill the beans, right here and now.   


I shook my head at Cas, and looked back at Sam before replying, “No, Sammy I’m sure there’s nothing I want to tell you.” I looked down at the table, knowing Cas was disapointed. I heard Cas heave a sigh, before he stood up, with an irritated sound and started off down the hall, “Cas?” I groaned, he turned a weird glint in his eyes. “Where are you going.” “To the toilet, I will never get used to urinating.” He sighed, before stalking off.

I groaned, I knew that as soon as Cas left Sam was going to ambush me, but I didn’t expect it to be about Cas, “So, how is he, I heard him crying last night” Sam muttered, I widened my eyes at him, “Why didn’t you go and help him?” I asked my tone harsher than I meant for it to come out.

“I did, I was on my way there last night, when I was going to the kitchen, but then I heard the oddest thing Dean” He said softly, his brow creasing; in what I assumed to be worry. “Yeah?” Sam nodded his head, “He was sobbing Dean, he sounded so torn, and I felt like it wasn’t my place to, you know do anything, like I might interupting someting intimate.” He finished, looking back up at his brother.

 

Cas’ P.O.V

I don’t understand. I was so happy, two minutes ago in Dean’s arms.

And now, here I was in the bathroom, the door locked, staring at myself in the mirror. I didn’t even look like the old Castiel. Not the strong, powerful angel I once was, the angel that could protect Dean, and Sam and...and...Kevin.

But I was too late for that, for Kevin. I should of saved Sam from that when I had the chance, should of tore the angel out of Sam, before he could do anything that would hurt Sam, that would hurt Dean.

I couldn’t save anyone.

Not Dean.

Not Sam.

_Not the same you._

_Where’s the old Castiel, the strong Castiel?_

_Why am I like this?’_

I hadn’t even realized it when tears pooled at the edges of my eyes, falling silently down my cheeks. I shook my head, “No, I will not do this here, not now, not around Dean.” I demanded at myself, but as those seven words rang through my head, I fell back into the depression.

_Vengeance will be taken on him sevenfold._

And I knew it would be, I was hunted, because I broke heaven, and there was no way I could fix it, the only reasonable thing to do here would be to leave Dean and Sam, so they would be safe. But there it was again, the doubt. I didn’t want to leave, I have a happy life here, in Dean’s arms, granted Sam doesn’t know, but that doesn’t matter, because Dean loves me and I love Dean.

I groaned loudly, so torn and confused, by how hard being human was. I had to give the creatures more credit.

I turned around, not wanting to see my pathetic self again, and slid down to the floor. Not expecting anyone, anytime soon, Dean would be too preoccupied with Sam, Sam was still a little weak, but he was on the mend. He was better than he was last week, better than yesterday.

_Vengeance will be taken on him sevenfold._

I banged my head against the sink, once, twice and a third time only stopping when I felt a wet drip on my neck. I furrowed my brow and reached back, poking at the back of my head, pulling my hand back to see red, stained on my fingers. I finaly found my penance, my way of fixing one small thing, the pain of being human.

I banged again and again and again, until my eyesight was wonky and that when I drew myself off of the ground, I only managed two steps before I crashed to the floor. I couldn’t help the shout of pain, before my eyesight fell black.


	5. I've got you, Last part.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just the ending to the last one, didn't want to upload it all in one go is all.

Dean’s P.O.V

 

“I don’t know what to do Sammy?” I said brokenly, but before he could open his mouth, we were cut off from a pained shout, leading from the bathroom. “Cas” I called, knocking on the knob.

Twisting the knob when there was no response, it was locked.

It was locked, and Cas was hurt.

Cas was hurt, and I can’t help him.

I banged on the door harder, ignoring Sam, who was pushing at me, “Dean. Dean, man, calm down I’ve got a lockpick” Sam said, once again pushing me aside. Pushing the pick into the door, and crying out, when I practically knocked him over, in my haste to get to Cas.

“CAS” I screamed, as we found him in a pool of his own blood. Sam tried getting there first, but before his gigantic hands even touched my angel, I had his head in my lap.

“Oh, god, no” I chanted and I felt the tears prick my eyes, I knew this wouldn’t last, I was too happy. Too content in this, little life with Sam in the library, and Cas in my bed, in my arms. I rocked us back and forth, Cas’ head buried in my neck, as I pressed frantic hands all over his body, checking for anything serious, I gasped when I found the gash on the back of his head. I was aware Sam was watching me, but right now I couldn’t find it in me to care.

The new human, had hurt himself, fallen over?

I don’t know, but what I did know was that I needed to get him to a hospital, and pronto. “Sammy, help me.” I pleaded, standing up, and placing my arms unders Cas’ arms, Sam grabbed his legs.

“Dean I-“ “Don’t Sam” I whispered, fully aware of how vulnerable I probably looked, right now.

We pulled him out to the impala, and Sam looked surprised as I threw the keys at him, and climbed into the back seat with Cas, pulling his head into my lap. I tried to hide how concerned I was, all I wanted to do was press soft kisses all over his cheeks, kiss him back awake, but...Sammy.

In that moment I realized how selfish I was being, how unfair this was to Cas.

I’d have to tell Sammy, maybe not now, but it has to be soon, or I’m going to lose Cas. I couldn’t lose Cas, not now, not ever.

I didn’t want this feeling, of being loved and needed to ever leave.

And I sure as hell, never wanted to stop loving Castiel, even if I tried. I found, despite the situation, an odd smile pulling at the corners of my lips. I caught Sam’s gaze in the rearview mirror, and immediatley felt the pressure push at my stomach.

 

Cas’ P.O.V

I woke up to a blinding white light. The last thing I remember is banging my head; for comfort on the sink.

I winced as the light burnt my skull, at least that’s what it felt like. I groaned and tried to push myself up, when I felt two very strong hands push my shoulders back down. I felt my eyes widen, and I heard Dean chuckle, but the glare of the light was still obstructing my view, of whoever was in the room.

“Cas?” I heard Dean ask, I grumbled and rolled away from the light, “Oh, right you must have a headache, Sammy, turn the light off, would ya” Dean said quickly, walking quickly to the side of my bed and adjusting the pillows behind my head.

I smiled at the thought of Dean fussing over me.

“Geez, Dean, calm down, he’s fine.” but I could still hear, the smug smile, that had polluted his voice. “Oh shut it Sammy” Dean growled, as he moved closer to me, pulling my sheets up over my chin. I grumbled again, and rolled back onto my back, to take in my surroundings.

“Hey, buddy, are you okay, do you need anything?” Dean asked, his voice softening along with his eyes. I smiled, I loved this side of Dean. “No, thanks Dean, I’m fine.” I replied in a dull mumble. Sam, still leaning against the wall near the light switch, was just taking everything in, and I knew he could tell what was going on. I left my left hand, the one closest to Dean, open.

“Dean?” I whispered, and I knew what I was about to ask, was pathetic, but right now, the only thing that could comfort me was Dean’s hand. “Yeah, Cas?” he smiled, looking eager to do anything he could to help. “Can –I-, Can I hold your hand?” I whispered again, my cheeks flushing a deep red.

Dean, had a similar response, who looked over at his brother, his cheeks flaming, and nodded.

I grabbed at his hand, and Dean gently twined his fingers through mine. I looked up at him, and smiled softly. I was happy he wasn’t pulling away, but I was kind of weary that maybe this was going to blow up in my face. All I could do was stare at our hands, tangled together on top of the bed, and let the lazy grin take over my face, I haven’t smiled in a while.

“Hey, guys, I’m going to get coffee, I’ll bring you some, be back later” Sam said, before turning to the door, I shot him a grateful look because, really he was doing this so Dean and I could talk.

 

Dean’s P.O.V

 

I watched as Sam walked out the door, before turning and pressing my lips to his. I needed this, him.

I pulled away, pulling him forward into my arms, he was already shaking, and my shirt was wet, by I assume, his tears. “Cas, what happened?” I asked. I pulled back, looking into his eyes, and sitting as close to the bed as possible.

Cas looked down, the fingers on the hand I was holding, twitched nervously and I could tell he didn’t want to tell me, probably because he thought I’d get mad. “Cas” I pressed, He looked down again.

“I wanted the pain to go away” he whispered, looking blankly up at the ceiling. He looked lost, miserable, and I couldn’t take that, Cas feeling lost, because he had a family, he had me, and I would guide him no matter what it took, I would protect him with everything I have.

I pulled his chin, so he was looking at me. I growled as I jerked him roughly into my arms, “Castiel Winchester, why on earth would you even consider hurting yourself?” I growled, making nothing of giving him my last name, it felt natural, it felt right.

He started shaking again, and this time, I threw caution to the wind, as I climbed into the bed beside him. He instantly curled around me, laying his head on my chest, and he seemed to calm quickly.

It made me happy that I could do that for him, calm him so easily. “Cas, why did you do that?” Cas gasped for breathe, trying to keep himself from sobbing, he seemed to want to be strong. “I-I just can’t take this anymore. The worry, the doubt the never ending nightmares, I still remember losing my wings, the pain of having them ripped from my back, and the loss was too much. Then you practically rejected me in front of Sam and I just couldn’t do it anymore. At first it was an accident, I slid to my knees and accidently hit my head, but it felt good, got rid of the pain that seemed to gripping my chest whenever you’re not around. So, I kept going, and going, and then I couldn’t see anymore and you were screaming.” He said in a rushed whisper.

Cas clutched my jacket, a wild, desperate glint in his eyes, “Oh God Dean, the screaming, they were all screaming, screaming at the tops of their lungs. Some were just bellowing in pain, other’s were screaming at me, cursing my name or on the top of their lungs they would scream; _Vengeance will be taken on him sevenfold._ I’ve become the Cain of the garrison” Cas cried, “All the screaming, I hear it in my dreams.” he whispered, his hand shaking in mine, his lips trembling against my neck. “Cas-“ “Raphael saved me for last” he whispered again. And I froze, Oh god Cas, my poor angel.

I nodded for him to continue. He shook a little as he sat up, wobbling slightly, and protesting when I tried to pull him back down onto the bed.

“He said that I deserved to see what I had done, that he was going to hold my grace there so I couldn’t leave, Dean he did, he did it.” Cas’ voice shook, tears forming rivers down his face. I leant up and pressed soothing kisses against his neck.

“You don’t have to go on” I murmured into his ear, he shook his head, “I have to, or I never will.” I nodded, sighed, and pulled him against my chest, my back against the head bourd.

“I watched,” Cas continued, his voice a soft whisper of devastation, of fear and regret, “I watched, and they burned, they fell, I watched as they plummeted to the earth, shrieking for someone, anyone to save them. Shouting out curses on my name. And God Dean, Raphael shook with laughter, as he watched, he was happy that we were falling.” He slumped against my chest, his shoulders shaking. “He slammed me against the wall, the wall in his office, in his heaven, and told what I already knew, that I didn’t deserve a place in heaven. That I didn’t deserve the righteous man, who seemed to love me, that I wasn’t worthy of god’s love, of my grace, of my wings,” Cas broke off, his hands blindly reaching for his back.

He twisted and stopped when I grabbed his hand, just rocking us back in forth, in time to Cas’ heavy breathing, “I’ve got you” I whispered “I love you” I said again. He took another breathe, “He told me that for as long as I lived as a human, that I would be hunted, that you’d be better off without me, then-“ He looked at me over his shoulder, “He gripped my wings, pulled his angel blade out of his coat and just started slic-ci-ing” he stuttered, I turned him around, so now we were facing each other.

“Started slicing, then he would stop, and just pluck feathers, from under my wings, pluck and pluck and pluck until he just ripped them of, the angel blade slicing right through my bones.” He shook with the memory. I pressed my forehead to his, and the anger was rolling off of me. I leant forward and pressed my lips to his nose, making him smile a little, if there was anything that makes Cas smile, it was getting kissed on the nose.

I wrapped my arms around his torso as he shook, and he grabbed onto my biceps, arms hanging lazily off of them, his legs curling to their full length, and laying half on top of mine.

“I lost everything that day” He said again. I gripped him tighter, trying my hardest to assure him that I was here for him, in everyway I could be. In every way I never was for anyone else, except Sammy.

“My family, My wings, my grace, my power, my sense of confidence, and the biggest loss of all, you” He finished, whispering the last part. I quirked a brow at him, “You never lost me Cas, You never will, never could” I said, my voice quieter than I had meant it to be. I leaned in and kissed him gently on his lips, gently cupping the back of his neck.

Sam’s P.O.V

It’s like they didn’t even notice me enter the room, because there they were, on the bed kissing, Dean’s hand on the back of Cas’ neck, Cas’ arms, now strewn around Dean’s neck, and Dean’s other arm wrapped around Cas’ waist, so he could pull him closer.

I could feel the huge grin stretch across my face, as I walked further into the room, and cleared my throat.

Startling both Cas and Dean. The dork, actually scrambled to get off of the bed so fast, he fell on his ass, I broke down in a roar of laughter, at the pure shocked expression on Dean’s face, the huge grin on Cas’ and the happy atmosphere in the air now.

“Dammit Sammy” Dean growled, pulling himself back onto the bed, rubbing the back of his neck.

I laughed again. Cas leant forward, wrapping his arms around Dean’s shoulders, pressing his lips to his cheek.

“Don’t worry Dean, Sam won’t mind.” He said, looking up at me. “I so knew it!” I exclaimed, striding over to the bed to pull my brother into a hug, who was sitting, shocked and still, in front of Cas. “I don’t mind Dean, if he makes you happy, then I don’t care.” I assured him.

I froze when I heard him sniffle. “Are you crying, man?” I asked, turning to look at him.

He pulled me closer, avoiding my curious gaze, “No, it’s just, I’m glad you don’t care. I got it into my head that you wouldn’t like this.” He finished, in a hushed whisper.

Did he really think that little of me.

“Dean, I want you to be happy, of course I don’t care, Dean, Castiel is perfect for you. And I heard you last night by the way.” I looked down, only feeling a little guilty for eaves dropping.

“HA!” Dean shouted, I jumped off the bed, my arms falling from around his waist. “I knew you were there, Sammy, I knew there had to be a reason, for that little shit eating grin you were pulling at me this morning. You heard me telling Cas, I love him didn’t you?” I smiled and laughed at how transparent I apparently was to Dean, “Yeah, I heard. I still don’t care.” Dean just smiled, the smile I thought he had lost in the years of loss and misery, and blood, in pugatory.

Cas smiled and went to pull Dean closer, kissing his neck affectionatley, “Good, because we’re in it for the long haul” Dean said, laughed and turned around to kiss Cas full on the lips.


	6. Wings.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I mean you guys had to have seen this one coming, right? No? oh well here it is.

Dean’s P.O.V

Cas had become accustomed to walking around topless, I don’t know why, or if he had any particular reasoning about his toplesness. I’m not complaining but it was just a little strange, that whenever he entered the bunker, he would just strip.

So that’s what’s happening now, I had called Cas down, for just a little down time, and he started to unbutton his top, “Ok, Cas what’s going on?” Sam asked, sounding exasperated. Cas tilted his head, the confusion taking over his whole face.

“What do you mean Sam, as of now everything is fine.” Cas asked, his eyes squinting in the most adorable manner.

I chuckled and strode over to him, “What do you mean, Cas whenever you come over here, you strip your shirt off, why?” He repeated. “I don’t know Sam” I broke off, kissing the side of his neck, “I quite like it” I chuckled as he blushed, pushing me off.

He looked down, as though he was embarrassed, like it was a secret. “Well, Sam, I have my wings folded for two weeks, and they get stiff so I’m stretching them, to do so I need to take my shirt off.”.

Then he turned to me, “This is not for your enjoyment” He said, smirking at me.

I stared at his back, trying to form them with my mind. Cas frowned at me and Sam who were staring, open mouthed at him.

“Wings, of course. Can we see them?” Sam asked, and I shot my gaze back to Cas.

“Um, Uh” he struggled, looking down, like he didn’t want to. “No one’s seen my wings. They are very different to other angel’s wings” He muttered under his breathe, he looked very uncomfortable.

“Don’t worry Cas, we won’t judge you, you’re family” I told him, pulling him against my side.

“Yeah Cas, we won’t judge” Sam agreed, Cas huffed, burying his face into my shoulder, “Aww, poor wittle baby in a trench coat, self conscious.” I laughed, he slapped my arm, keeping his face in my neck, his buttons halfway undone.“How come we can’t see them usually” I asked, curiously. “I keep them hidden. They are very different, Not even Gabriel has seen them.” He explained, nervously, his fingers twitching around my waist.

“It’s okay Cas, you can show us when you’re ready” Sam smiled, sitting down at the dining room table. Cas smiled and nodded, pulling me down into a seat next to him.

“So, if you don’t mind me asking, what’s so different about your wings?” Sam asked softly, I squeezed his hand, under the table, my leg occasionally rubbing against his, I leant forward and pressed a kiss to his cheek, letting him know that it’s okay.

“Well, most angels wings are white, or grey, only the archangels wings are coloured.” Cas started and Sam nodded, enthusiastically at the promise of new knowledge, “Mine, are pitch black, I’m the first lower class angel with coloured wings. The only angel, mind you with black wings. When I told Gabriel, he said it’s because I rebelled.” He gushed out.

“Black, huh?” I mused, and he looked at me nervously, as though what I said, was the most important thing. He nodded, “I know it’s weird” He muttered down at the table.

“No!, no that’s cool. I bet they’re awesome, Cas.” I grinned at him, he gripped my hand tighter and turned back to Sam, talking about books.

 

Cas’ P.O.V

 

“Dean?” I asked, I was still a bit nervous, and cautious, about whether I should be doing this.

_What if he doesn’t like them._

_He’ll hate them, think I’m some sorta freak._

_They’re so ugly._

_WHAT IF HE WANTS TO TOUCH THEM?_

I shook my head slightly, trying to push those thoughts out of my mind. “Yeah, Cas?” he still hadn’t turned to me. I had seen him walking from the bathroom, and followed him to his room.

Because I had to know what Dean thought of my wings, I needed to know if he’d still love me after that.

“Uh, I want to show you something” I muttered, scratching at the back of my neck, something I had picked up from Dean.

“Yeah, Cas can this wait, I’-“ He turned, cutting off when he caught sight of my wings, which were three of me put together. His jaw literally dropped, and he took a couple of involuntary steps forward, with his hand outstretched. “Cas” He said softly, I was ready for the dejection, I was an outcast and it was written all over my wings.

“They’re,” I narrowed my eyes at him, I took a couple of steps back, as he stepped towards me.

“So beautiful” He finished and I froze, a smile splitting my across my face, I practically flew at him, tackling him in a heap of my wings, and he laughed as I folded them around him.

“Can I touch them?” He asked, his eyes wide with wonderment. I nodded, “Just gently” I warned, and gasped when he ran his hand down the arch of my wing.

I shivered, this felt so good, and I shouldn’t be letting this happen, but as Dean’s hand ran down my feathers, fingers skimming under the longest ones and stroking the ones under it the softer, more sensitive ones, I shuddered and lost my control.

 

Dean’s P.O.V

 

I laughed, Cas practically jumped at me, his wings folding protectively around me, and dammnit if the expression on his face, wasn’t the cutest thing I ever saw.

They were a silky black, shining under the bright light in my room, and they were so big, three times the size of him. But more than that, they screamed majesty, and they felt like heaven, like what clouds should feel like. And I could tell you now, that these were probably as good as wings could get.

I don’t care if Lucifer’s were red, or blue or pink; Cas just became more beautiful, and I felt bad for the other angels who now held nothing on him.

I reached forward, only to hesitate, to remember, that I should probably ask to touch them, “Can I touch them?” I whispered, the sight had rendered me almost speechless. He nodded “Just gently” He asked.

He actually gasped when my hand made it’s first contact. I ran my hand down the sily feathers, following the curve of the wing all the way down to his back, only to pull my hand back up to ruffle some of the littler ones.

He seemed to be enjoying it, he shivered as I gripped the base of his wings, and as he was straddling me, the motion as swift as lightening. Hiis mouth crashing on mine, “Cas” I laughed, wrapping my arms around his waist, so I could pull him closer. “I’m glad you like them” He said, his face split in two by his smile.

“Are you kiddng?” I asked, pressing hungry, open mouthed kisses up his neck, my hands tangling in his feathers, “I love them, I love you” I finished. He made a happy sound and pulled my shirt over my head, “Jesus Cas, eager much?” I laughed again. 


	7. Rising sun.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm doing Song-Shots, if you have any song requests comment or message me XD.

Cas’ P.O.V

“Dean” I whispered into his ear, my arms wrapped around his waist.

“Cas, go back to sleep.” he grumbled, pulling me closer against him. “Dean” I repeated, more persistantly, pushing at his shoulder.

“Don’t go, please, don’t go” Dean whispered against my bare neck. I sighed, “Don’t do that” I said softly, climbing on top of him. “Don’t make it harder,” I finished, pressing my lips to his neck, trailing them up to his jaw bone.

 “I love you” he mumbled, wrapping his arms tighlty around my shoulders, pulling me against him. “I love you more, I’ll write you everyday, I’ll call you and I’ll try and be back for christmas.” I promised, all the while pressing kisses all over his face.

He sighed and just laid there, a soft but disapointed smile etched onto his face, “don’t forget me” he whispered, and he was already shaking. I pulled back, faking to be shoked. “Dean Winchester, I could never forget you, you are the single most important person to me in my whole life.” I vowed, kissing his lips finaly, before untangling myself from the mess that was our limbs.

I looked back at him once, to see that he had curled in on himself. I was rebreaking him, all those years ago, I had taken happiness that I was the one to fix him, to help him get better, and here I was breaking him, hurting him and it was tearing me apart.

“I’m sorry” I whispered before pulling my clothes on.

  
Dean’s P.O.V

We finaly made it to the airport.

I couldn’t find it in me to let him go, I couldn’t let him pull away from me, because he wasn’t going to come back.

Who is he kidding, I’m not enough to come back for.

I always knew I wasn’t worthy of his love, of this perfectly content happy life that had taken place, after the hell it was.

Castiel had saved me and now he was leaving, and the memory of the hole was pulsing at my chest. I clutched him tighter, nuzzeling my face closer into his chest. “Dean” he whispered, when the P.A system had announced Cas’ plane.

I shook my head. “Please, you are the only good thing in my life, after......after Sammy” I choked on my words, the very thought sent the memory crashing back to me, and I nearky lost my balance.

I clutched him tighter again. “I know Dean, I know.” He whispered, wrapping his arms back around my waist. The sun was just rising, and for some reason I was blaming the very sun itself, for taking my reason for living away from me. “I wouldn’t leave if I didn’t have to” He said again.

“I know you’re family needs you” I affirmed.

“Come with me, I don’t know how long I’ll be over there, and all I’ll do is worry about you.” he pleaded with me, his blue eyes wide with hope. I shook my head, “Sam is here” I mumbled, looking down at the floor, “Besides Bobby still needs looking after, and then there’s the garage.”.

Last call sounded over the P.A. and Cas pulled away gently. “I love you,” he said again, pressing his lips to mine hurriedly. I couldn’t stop the ragged breathe, that had pulled out of my throat. “I’ll miss you,” I murmured, holding onto his hand.

He picked up his bags, giving me another withering sad look, as his hand slipped from mine.

 

~

_All I could do was shake, there was so much blood._

_“Sammy” I whispered, my voice cracking, “Dean, I’m sorry” He whispered, I can’t believe it my thirteen year old brother, was dying in my arms, and it was all my fault, I should never have left him alone._

_“Please, you’re all I have left.” I cried, he placed a bloody hand on my cheek. “Dean, stop it, you have to stop it.” he pleaded. “Stop what Sammy?” I asked, I would do anything, that would help him._

_“The pain, there’s so much pain. This isn’t-“ He coughed, blood trickling dwn form his chin, “Your” he coughed again, his eyes flicking, “Sammy, please, no” I pleaded, pulling him up closer into my arms. “It isn’t your” “Come on, you’ll live, and we’ll get the impala, remember her?” I smiled, “Fault” he finaly finished, a smile spreading across his face as his eyes rolled into the back his head, his hand falling limp against the floor._

_His hand hitting the floor with an echoing thump, that resounded throughout my head. “SAMMY” I screamed, shaking his shoudlers softly at first, but as he didn’t respond my hands shook him rougher, and my shuddered cries became screams, until finaly they became sobs._

_“Please, oh god.” I sobbed, and jumped when two hands pulled me back._

_~2 weeks later_ ~

I turned to press my face into Cas’ warmth, only to remember he was gone.

The loud thud of Sam’s hand hitting the floor still sounding through my skull, and I felt lonely and cold. Why didn’t I go with him.

Figuring I wasn’t going to get any sleep, I pulled myself out of the warm bed, and into the lounge room.

Pulling out a CD with the only song that I could think of at the moment, the only song appropriate at the moment.

I leant against Cas’ comforter as the lyrics filled my skull;

_I said the rising sun just stole my girl away_

 I turned my head, my face pressing into a softness, that was unfamilar to the comforter. I stiffened as I realized that he had left his trench coat behind.

_  
The Rising Sun just stole my girl away_

It all came back, the familiar patter of Cas’ footsteps, that would usually getting home around now. __  
  


_The Rising Sun just stole my girl_

His face, in the plane window, smiling back at me, flashed through my head.

_  
I’m gonna catch a plane and steal her back again_

The empty promises.

 __  
The Rising Sun just stole my girl away.  
  
The vows.

_Now we’re apart_

The emptiness.

_Thud_

I have nothing now.

_  
I think about her everyday_

Bobby Died two days ago, from heart failure.

_  
Well the scuffle of little feet_

I miss hearing Cas’ breathe beside my ear as we slept.

_  
All round the bed_

The feeling of his arms around my waist.

_  
I’m gettin’ no card, Gettin’ no mail_

He hasn’t written, and the pain comes back.

_  
Tokyo Rose is on the radio_

The memories still taunt me.

_  
If she don’t come home_

 I still have the garage to take care of.

_  
I know that’s where I’m gonna go._

I caught sight of one of Sammy’s book in the office and just broke down, I’m so weak now, if Cas saw me now he’d be ashamed. Hell, I need him back.


	8. Rising Sun, Part two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I know I probably do parts far too many times than I should, considering that this is a one shot collection, but I got a request to continue it from a friend so I did.

Cas’ P.O.V

“Cassie, I’m sorry but could you stay for another week.” I sighed, all I wanted was to get back to Dean. “Of course Michael, it’s not like I have much of a choice do I?” I grumbled, stalking off in the direction of my room.

It’s been two and a half weeks since I’d abandoned Dean. The lines were down so I couldn’t get across to Dean, no matter how many times I tried to call. I wrote back they just got sent back. My family lives in a rather remote part of london.

“Castiel, I’m sorry that the affairs of this family is so inconveniant for you but whether you like it or not you have to stay.” he pointed out, this was so like Michael, always pointing out the painfully obvious.

“Really because I don’t get it, I’m sorry Dad has cancer, that Mum’s dead, but did you see how they treated me when I lived here, they were never there for me.” I growled, “This doesn’t even feel like my home, like a family.” I snapped back, leaving Michael with his mouth hanging open. “I’m going to call Dean.” “It’s your fault” I froze mid step.

What did he just say to me, why did everyone have to be like this.

“Are you serious right now? God damnit Michael. I thought that you would actually try and be a little bit civil, given the circumstances, but you can’t even do that can you?” I all but shouted. Michael rolled his eyes, walking closer to me so he could push me against the wall, the way he used to do when we were kids.

“Man,” he growled, pulling me forward only to shove me harder agaisnt the wall, “Shall not lay with man.” he hissed in my ear.

I narrowed my eyes at him, shoving back. “You’ve always been the more...rebellious one, the one who had to push at everything you were made to be, made to do.” Michael growled. I pushed him back harder, “Well I’m sorry that I can’t meet your expectations Michael.” I growled pushing away from him, “Where’s Gabriel and Balthazar?” I asked, this would go smoother if they were here to stop it from getting to heated.

Michael laughed cruelly, “On their way, they can’t save you, you know, your soul is lost.” He remarked shrewdly, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Why do you always have to do this, Michael. Is it not enough that I flew all the way from America, from Dean and my life to help you with everything here, with Dad, to help the family that hates me?” I shot back.

“We don’t need you, we thought that maybe you’d repent if you saw Dad dying, that maybe you’d realize what you got when you lived here-“

“How could you say that? I got beaten to a pulp to the point that I couldn’t even stand and I somehow deserved that, because what, because I’m gay, that I fell in love with a guy, Well I’m sorry that I make you so uncomfortable, that I didn’t kill myself when I had the chance.” I yelled, yelping when Michael’s fist collided with my jaw bone, sending me flying into the wall. “What, are you going to do it for me”, I mocked from my place on the floor.

“Shut up you little piece of shit” Michael growled, sending his foot crashing into my side.

“MICHAEL STOP IT” We heard Gabriel scream as he darted to my side. I glared at Michael, before pushing away from Gabriel and limping back towards my room.

“Cassie, come on, let me in” Gabriel said, his voice strained as he tried to coax me into letting him in.

I am still furious, pacing my room as I tried to get my phone to reach Dean, the only person who would be able to calm me down.

I pressed it to my ear, not really expecting it to go through, I had gotten a new phone in hope that it would work, so when it actually rang I walked faster excitedly.

“Hello” Dean’s unsure voice flowed from the reciever.

I was speechless, I just stood there breathless just basking in his voice. Even just his voice had calmed me. Gabriel banged louder on the door, and suddenly Michael was out there to, shouting profanities at me. “Who is this?” Dean asked sounding annoyed now.

“Dean?” I asked, and I could hear him suck in a breathe.

“Cas, jesus christ, why haven’t called?” he demanded. Michael banged against the door.

“I’m sorry” I murmured, sitting on the edge of my bed, I froze as I heard a ragged sob from the other end of the reciever.

“Dean?” Oh god, I’ve done it, I’ve broken him.

“Oh god Cas, I’ve missed you.” He continued, his voice shaking, “Please tell me you’re coming back soon” he begged desperatley.

“CASTIEL NOVAK, GET YOUR FAGGOT ASS OUT HERE” Michael screamed, “Michael leave please.” came Gabriel’s voice.

“Cas what was that?” I sighed, rubbing my red jaw, blood was still flowing from my nose.

“Nothing, thing’s have just gotten a little heated.” I said softly. “Are you okay?” He asked anxiously. I nodded, only to remember we were on a phone and replied, “Yeah, I’m fine” I lied, “I just want to come home.” I said.

“Yeah, I want you back too” He agreed.

“Dean” I whispered, because I knew what I was about to ask was completley out of line, apart from the fact that Dean hates planes.

“Yeah, Cas?” I couldn’t do it, it would be selfish of me to ask him to uproot his life for me.

“How are you?” I asked instead, disapointment pulling at my chest, longing to see him. He stayed quiet and I already knew the response, I could almost feel his shattered confidence over the phone, the way I had left was not ideal.

“Dean?” I asked.

“I’m...not...Bobby died last week” He whispered. “Oh shit, I’m sorry Dean, I’m sorry that I can’t be there for you right now.” I could feel myself start to shake. “Hey it’s okay it’s not your fault.” Dean assured me.

“It is, I did this to you” I cried.

“No you didn’t, I was fucked up way before you came, you just made me better, just promise me you’re coming back soon.” I sighed and dropped my face into my pillows. “I can’t.” is all I could reply with.

“Cas please, I need you.” I groaned, rolling over onto my back, trying my hardest to ignore Gabe’s and Michael’s arguement outside my door.

“I know Dean, I’m sorry but Dad’s got cancer, and Michael says I have to stay another week so I can clear out the shop and house, he won’t live throughout the month.” I explained, rubbing my hand down my face.

“I know I just..I don’t know” Dean sighed, and I groaned when the line started crackling. “Cas, no not again” he said, exasperated. “Dean?” I sat up.

“Dean I-“ and the line cut out.

I huffed out an angry sigh and threw the phone across the room, the screen effectively cracking, “Fucking awesome” I muttered.

 

Dean’s P.O.V

“Dean I-“ the line cut out and I found myself breaking down in tears.

Cas called, he actually called, and I knew he wasn’t coming back but that didn’t mean it didn’t stab me in the heart.

I finished packing the rest of my clothes, checked the adress once more, and made off for the airport.

 

~

 

Why was I doing this?

Williingly putting myself in danger, I hate this, and I can’t stop shaking.

“Sir, are you okay, you need to bourd” The lady at the door of the plane said nicely. I clenched my brochure tightly as I slowly walked onto the plane, looking from left to right anxiously.

“Dean?” I turned to see Charlie striding down the aisle.

“Charlie, what are you doing here?” I asked, but despite my confusion a smile tugged my lips up. “Oh well, you know here for your sisterly support. That and ever since Cas left you haven’t been yourself.” She said softly, looking at the ground, as if she were ashamed of herself.

I smiled and pulled her into a hug, “I hate planes” I groaned, She laughed, “I know, another reason I’m here” “what do you mean, how did you know I was here anyway?” I asked, pulling her to sit next to me.

“I’ve been following you for a while, I just needed to know that this wasn’t going to be like last time, when someone left you.” She whispered, fidgeting with her fingers.

“Yeah, thanks Charlie.” I said, pulling her into a hug.

She was always so supportive of me, even though she was Cas’ friend first. “Where are we going?” She asked suddenly, sitting straighter in her seat.

I quirked an eyebrow at her, “Charlie, are you serious, did you seriously just get on a plane without knowing where you were going.” She rolled her eyes at me, “I have a faint idea, of paying for a ticket to london, which you totally owe me for by the way.” She laughed, “Is Dorothy okay with this?”

“I’ll do what I want, no woman can control this” She winked at me.

I laughed, resting my head on her shoulder, “Thanks Charlie.” she rested her arm around my shoulders. “You wrecked Cas last time” She whispered, I stiffened. “Yeah I know”, “No you don’t” she shot back.

“You weren’t there, but he was, when he found you in that alley way, blood spewing from your arms, he was quiet for that whole week, he wouldn’t talk to me even, and he wouldn’t eat until he knew you were okay, that you were getting help. He even stopped going out, he blamed himself Dean” She explained.

I was still stiff, I couldn’t believe I did that to him. “I’m sorry.” I whispered, “Why are you apologizing to me?” She laughed.

“Because you two are so close, you practically share a brain. That couldn’t have been easy for you, seeing Cas like that.” I finished, looking up at her.

“It’s fine, now where are we going?” she repeated.

“London obviously, Cas is in london” She laughed, “I knew it, I just wanted you to say it” She chuckled, smirking at me. I shoved at her arm.

“Hey, don’t worry, we’ll get him back together, does he know you’re coming?” She asked, resting her head on my hair.

“No, last time we talked, it was like he was rushing, it was all really loud so I couldn’t really he-“ “Wait, loud what do you mean loud?” She asked, sitting up in her seat, her eyes wide with, what I could only describe as fear and dread.

“Yeah, like someone was banging on his door, and there was a lot of shouting, he sounded a bit rough.” Charlie looked horrified, “Charlie, what is it, what’s wrong?” I asked anxiously, grabbing her shoulders so she would look at me.

“Has he told you anything about his family, about how it was for him before he came here?” She asked.

I shook my head, my stomach churning nervously. “I don’t know if I should tell you, I guess you’ll see when we get there, what I will say is that they are very, very religious.”

Suddenly I wasn’t so worried about the plane ride anymore, My thoughts training on Cas, and how selfish I’ve been the past two years.

 

Cas’ P.O.V

I’ve been in my room for the past two days.

Right now, i’m kneeling on my floor in the corner, trying desperatley to fix my phone. “Please, come on” I begged, the frustration pricking at my eyes.

“Cassie, come on, let me in” I heard gabriel plead again.

“Just go away” I yelled back.

“Just let me in, Michael says he’s sorry” He continued. I snorted out a sarcastic laugh.

“Are you kidding, he’d be happy to see me go” I shot back. “Don’t go Cas, please, I need you here.” Gabriel said softly. “That’s what Dean said” I retorted.

“I know, you miss him.”

I sighed and got up to let him in. As soon as I opened the door, Gabriel pulled me in his arms, letting me cry into his shirt. “I’m so worried about him, I broke him again, and it’s all my fault.” I cried.

He pulled me further into the room, sitting me on my bed. “Cas he’ll be fine.” He assured me.

“No, you weren’t there last time, when Sam died. He was a mess, and I wasn’t there for him and he tried to kill himself.” I said in horror.

“Cas, hey look at me, he’ll be fine, okay?” He said, smiling tentaviely at me, I fell back so I was on my back.

“Yeah, okay, I need a new phone.” I murmured, laying my arm across my eyes. “what happened to the one you just bought?” He asked, I pointed to it.

He gasped, “Oh Cassie, always one with a temper.” I glared at him, “Yeah I’m the one who’s got the temper, everytime Michael gets angry I’m the one he takes it out on.” I growled at him, standing up so I could pace in front of him.

“Cas, I know-“ “NO YOU DON’T” I yelled at him, coming to a stop in front of him.

“You have no idea what it’s like, everyday of my damn life, all he’s ever done, all anyone in this family’s done is degrade me, shove me around and make me feel like shit, I didn’t ask to be like this.” I said heatedly, poking him in the chest.

“To be, something my family hates, to the point that they feel the need to use me as their own personal fucking punching bag, Gabriel don’t you even dare pretend that you know what’s it’s like.” I finished in a huff. Gabriel looked down as if he were ashamed.

“Cas, I’m sorry, okay.” he said, standing so were were eye to eye, well, eye to hair anyway.

I was still shaking from my temper tantrum, the waves of agitation and hurt were still rolling off of me. “I tried everything I could to get you out of here, really I did, it hurt to see you like that, all alone, no one could save you, not even me, from Dad, from Luci and Mike.” Gabriel said, his voice shaking.

My anger was stamped out as soon as he started crying. “Gabriel I’m sorry” I said, pulling him into a hug. “No, this is my fault.” He murmured into my shoulder.

“No, I know you tried, I’m just on edge this place, it just, it just gets to me, being away from Dean doesn’t help.” I explained, sitting back on my bed, letting my face fall into my hands.

“I know, you’re worried Cas, but he’ll be fine, I can assure you that he is.” Gabriel said, and the tone he was speaking in, set off alarm bells in my head.

He was up to something.

I narrowed my eyes at him, “What’s going on?” I asked.

His eyes widened in mock offense, “Nothing, why would you think to even ask that, dear Cassie, I think you’re tired.” He laughed, I shoved his arm.

“CASTIEL, GABRIEL, GET DOWN HERE NOW.” Michael shouted from downstairs.

I groaned and Gabe patted my back soothingly, “Don’t worry you don’t have to talk to him.” He said, I nodded my thanks, and we entered the lounge area.

Michael was leant against the piano in the corner, Lucifer, in the kitchen door way to Michael’s right, and Sammandriel on the sofa.

“We have two weeks to clear the shop out, and we’re going to need all of your help.” Michael started, I furrowed my eyebrows.

“Got a problem Castiel?” Lucifer asked from the doorway.

“I have to be back in two days.” I said, standing up straighter, I might only be a mere year younger than Luci, but he still scared the shit out of me.

“Well, I guess you’ll just have to cancel all of your little gay parties until you get back won’t you” Lucifer said, laughing at his own joke. I sucked in a breath, and Gabriel patted my bicep, Sammandriel looked uncomfortable, he probably could see what this would turn into.

I looked him square in the eye as I said, “No”.

Lucifer raised his eyebrow at me, before stepping more into the room. “Don’t” Sammandriel whispered from the sofa. Lucifer glared at him, but stepped back.

“I’m sorry, Castiel but you have to stay, for the whole two weeks, you’re family needs you” I clenched my jaw, and decided it wasn’t worth the pain, I nodded shortly.

Michael’s eyes widened, as if he were surprised that I wasn’t fighting back.

“Was that it?” Gabriel asked, glancing down at his watch.

“I’m sorry do you have to be somewhere Gabriel.” Lucifer said snarkily. Gabriel ndodded a slight smile pulling his lips up, “I have work in twelve minutes.” He explained, “Oh” Lucifer says.

Gabriel turns to leave, tugging on my arm, pulling me throught the door.

“Actually, Castiel, could you stay for a moment, Lucifer and I would like to speak with you alone for a mintue.” Michael interjected. I groaned, “Lucifer no.” Gabriel said firmly, tugging my arm harder.

“It’ll only take a second.” Michael added.

“Don’t worry Gabe, I’ll be up in a second.” I said, nodding at him. Gabe gave me one last unsure look before he strutted upstairs.

“Sit” Lucifer said, pointing to the armchair, that sat in front of the sofa, where Michael and Lucifer sat.

I sighed and sat in front of them, “What is this about?” I asked, all I wanted to do was go to bed early and sulk about not seeing Dean for another two weeks.

“How has Kansas been for you, Castiel?” Lucifer asked, leaning towards me.

“Good, fine.” I answered curtly.

“And I trust that people have been nice to you” He continued, steepling his hands under his chin.

“Relatively.” I answered, once again sticking to short answers.

Michael sucked in a breathe, pinching the bridge of his nose, “Castiel, we know about what you’ve been doing.” Lucifer pressed, I raised an eyebrow, cocking my head to the left. “I don’t know what you mean” I said, looking at the ground now.

“You know, about your, your sinning.” Lucifer stated, his face twisting in digust, I immediatley knew they were talking about Dean. I snorted and stood up, “Oh please, you’re giving me a lecture on sinning, really Lucifer?” I asked incredulously.

He narrowed his eyes at me, and a shiver of fear shot down my spine, I shouldn’t have said that, why did I say that?

“Ah, but little brother, if I can still call you that, I never broke one of the biggest things in the bible,” he said stepping closer to me. “I never disgraced my family with such repulsion, I never pushed them away.” I grunted doubtfully, “I pushed you away?” I growled, poking him hard in his chest, another thing I immediatley regretted.

“My whole adolescence, you made me feel like I didn’t belong” I straightened my back, as I got more confident. “Like I wasn’t welcome, god forbid I break one thing in the bible. I got good grades, you got C’s, I helped out in the buissness, and you were off getting drunk, I went to cram school, and you went and got high, You’re themmph” I cut off, when Lucifer’s fist crashed into my stomach, before swining back to collide into my nose, which cracked audibly.

“You are not going back to America, it has corupted you” Lucifer said, “You can’t tell me what to do Lucifer, I’m twenty-three years old, and I have my own free will.” I protested from the floor.

He grabbed my collar, pulling me up so our faces were mere inches apart. “Listen here you, ungrateful, repulsive, prick, you’ll do as I say, or you won’t be leaving the state alive, got it?” he whispered threateningly, and what I did next I would regret for the whole trip.

I grabbed the back of his neck and spat in his face.

He shrieked in rage and sent me crashing through the glass sliding doors. White dots danced in front of my eyes, and I could of sworn I saw a hint of green, as my vision went black.


	9. Coulda', Shoulda', Woulda'.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We all wish we could have done things differently, unfortunately not everyone gets to do so.

“I love you Cas” Dean beamed up at me, and I stood stiffly, still in the doorway that lead into his room.

He frowned as he looked around nervously “Cas?” his voice broke on my name. I sighed and sat down next to him on the bed, “No you don’t” I muttered He growled and spun me to face him “Yes, I do, don’t go trying to tell me how I feel, how I know I feel towards you.” he growled, and crushed our lips together, and for a second there I kissed him back before I pushed him away and got to my feet. 

“I can’t Dean” I mumbled, rubbing my neck absently, “Why, because you’re a coward” he snarled going to stand up in front of me I looked up at him, his nostrils were flared and his emerald eyes were hardened as he stood with his fists clenched tightly at his sides. 

“It’s forbidden” I said emotionlessly, he chuckled “Cas don’t you see I don’t care about that, I love you, need you” He whispered once again placing his warm hands on my shoulders and I couldn’t stop myself from shuddering as the familiar electricity flowed through his hands and coursed through my body, I couldn’t do this to him, I couldn't break him and leave him beyond repair; I didn’t deserve this righteous man. 

“No” I said firmly standing up confidently even though I was quaking on the inside, I was falling apart.

He staggered back, hurt being the prime emotion shining in his green eyes, and being Dean that meant it almost immediately turned into rage; he pushed me towards the door roughly, “Get out” he growled “Dean I-“ “GET OUT” he screamed as he pushed me harder out the door.

“I’m sorry Dean” I muttered before walking down the hallway towards where I knew Sam was researching another hunt. 

~  
We had all decided that we would stake out the abandoned warehouse tonight, supposedly where a couple of demons were hiding out.

I was trying desperately to ignore how Dean’s eyes were boring into the back of my skull as we made our way to the entrance. “OK Cas when we get inside we’ll split up you go left, Dean will go right and I’ll go straight ahead” Sam smiled over at me, before he frowned over at Dean.

I nodded and turned left only looking back at Dean once, it always made me uneasy whenever I was forced to leave Dean by himself where I couldn’t protect him, of course I’m in love with him, but I can’t afford to love him everything I love turns to shit.

I sighed, and edged my way down the hall, and what seemed like thirty minutes down the hallway I heard Dean scream, “SON OF A BITCH” before total silence ensued.   
I know that he’s probably able to handle it himself but I couldn’t help it as I felt the anxiety pump my legs faster towards Dean. 

I froze when I caught the retreating figure of the demon as it disappeared and Dean, who was lying on the ground surrounded in his blood, the demon blade protruding out from his chest.   
It bobbed up and down as Dean coughed uncomfortably noticing me in the door way and I jumped as I darted over to his side feeling the prick of tears at my eyes, “Oh no Dean” I sobbed, he smiled slightly as he placed a hand on my cheek, as I pulled him onto my lap pushing his sweaty hair away from his eyes. 

“Cas” he sighed happily “No don’t you dare” I growled, stroking his face, “I love you” he muttered and I felt I stab in my chest that felt like ice gripping at my very soul. “Oh Dean I’ve been so stupid, denying what I felt.” “Yeah you are stupid” He laughed, and I pressed my forehead to his, “I love you Dean, I can’t believe I waited this long to tell you” I kissed his lips tenderly, shaking with the effort of keeping a straight face, failing miserably.  
“No you don’t” He muttered letting his hand fall from my face.

“No Dean please I need you” I cried as he went limp in my arms I shook him roughly, watching as his eyes started to roll into the back of his head.

“I love you, I love your stupid smirk the way you’re always making stupid jokes, your laugh” I cried, kissing him desperately keeping my face there as I pulled away my lips inches from his as I shook soundless sobs racking my body.  
“No, no, no” I cried my lips brushing against his as I talked, pulling him roughly further into my embrace wrapping my arms tightly around his shoulders.

“I should of told you” I kissed his hair “I would of kept you forever” I kissed his cheek “I could of done more” I kissed his lips trying to kiss him back to life.   
I squished my face into his neck as I screamed at everything. “I love you, I love you” I sobbed.


End file.
